Alderman orders homeless men “Get out of my ward by sundown. Go to another ward on my chart.”

Cappleman also wishes they have a warm bed someday

UPTOWN – As long as it’s not in ‘his’ ward, wow… We are starting to see why his base thinks he’s a great guy though.

Warm wishes, thoughts and prayers… Yep, that’s who we want to administer multi-billion dollar budgets…

Oh wait a minute, is that Trump or Cappleman voters? Both apparently, sad…

Thanks!
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Alderman Cappleman and his Chief of Staff still on high-class alcoholism tour at Larry’s on Lawrence

“Rich people have stronger genes” says Feher

UPTOWN – We knew it was gonna be good when we caught up with these two.

“It’s proof positive that old SRO’s can be reborn,” says Alderman Cappleman “beautiful people in a beautiful building, there is no downside to this.”

He continued “Poor people and their crummy hole in the wall bars are in the past in the 46th Ward. This is the new Uptown, expensive liquor, expensive rents, expensive eye candy… it doesn’t get better than this!”

‘Free Drinks for Politicians Night’ decisive factor says Chief of Staff Tressa Feher.

Cappleman interrupted “Larry’s, Provisions Uptown, Uptown Underground.. I could go on and on, it’s great! Tons of free drinks for politicians! In my next term, the 46th Ward will have more expensive booze than the other wards, it’s win-win.”

“Besides” he continued without pause “It’s not easy being the biggest anonymous *ssholes on Everyblock.com or coming up with creative ideas like photoshopping German army helmets on Amy Crawford graphics. We need liquid help, just ask my husband, he knows better than both of us!”

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BREAKING UPDATE: Uptown Pigeon receives written threat – “I’m going to kill every pigeon I see today”

Secret Facebook Neighborhood Watch Group member Redacted Name continues threats to pigeons

UPTOWN – OMG, poisoning pigeons, pets and children isn’t enough for this dangerous person, he’s now threatening to go on a personal pigeon killing rampage… This guy is clearly unstable.

In another comment on our website, he had the nerve to call us pigeons “vermin”.

Redacted Name
That is not a secret hate group. It is a group trying to ensure sanitation and safety standards in Uptown. Any comments about poisoning birds were clearly hyperbolic and satirical. Pigeons are filthy vermin and need to be dealt with by the city more effectively.

Pigeons are not vermin, and BTW has anyone ever seen a hate group that understands or admits it is a hate group? I haven’t. If it is not a hate group, then open the group up to the public, instead of operating in anonymity and secrecy like darkness usually does, let the public decide. And kabosh this dangerous animal hater.

Reminder due to the seriousness of this news, we are urging the public to be careful of these dangerous extremists.

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BREAKING: Charges imminent for Secret Facebook Neighborhood Watch Group member Redacted Name

Victim of previously reported Great Net Massacre where thousands of pigeons lost their lives

Hate group’s admins and others may be charged as well according to Chicago Police Department sources

UPTOWN – In updated news to yesterday’s reporting – Neighborhood Watch Group reports Notorious Grey Pigeon Gang has Human Accomplices with Van, apparently Cappleman’s war on pigeons is growing even more dangerous.

Latest reports are indicating not only pigeons, but even humans and especially young children may be in life-threatening danger. Allegedly, hate group member Redacted Name, and possibly others have threatened to poison Uptown Chicago bird seed as this secret hate group communication suggests.

Redacted Name
Hmmm, maybe time to douse the birdseed in antifreeze

Sadly, once again we have evidence that most mass murderers started out with horrific acts to animals.

Due to the seriousness of this news, we are urging the public to be careful of these dangerous extremists.

Thanks!
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Cappleman sings rousing ‘We are the Politicians’ version of Queen song at Uptown Underground

Alderman’s karaoke must be heard to be appreciated

UPTOWN – Mentioning he was fresh from ‘Free Drinks for Politicians Night’ (every night?) at Larry’s on Lawrence, Chicago’s 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman grabbed the microphone from another patron about to sing at the Uptown Underground.

Speaking into the microphone, he said “I feel special and I want everybody to feel special” and then burst into song.

Afterwards he said “Not everyone gets perks (wink wink) worth a million dollars of campaign donation work, so I’m thrilled to at least share this song with you.”

Hopefully someone got it on video… at least we got a photo.

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Neighborhood Watch Group reports Notorious Grey Pigeon Gang has Human Accomplices with Van

If you see this van, Ald. Cappleman advises call 911

UPTOWN – Two older grey-haired white people with a white van have been reported to be providing material support for the Notorious Grey Pigeon Gang, last seen in the vicinity of W Sunnyside Ave. and N Sheridan Rd. in Uptown Chicago.

A secret Facebook neighborhood crime watch group member told the Uptown Pigeon “I have family, a wife, young children, this must stop! They can’t be exposed to these gang pigeons and even worse, feeding them… undocumented food, probably from some icky Asian place, the diseases like those filthy homeless people. OMG, I can’t believe this is happening again.”

He continued “I pay property taxes, my whole life is invested into my condo… These free loading pigeons and their liberal enablers should be shot on sight or at least get life in prison or Indiana.”

Contacted for comments, Alderman Cappleman said “If you see suspicious white van people, call 911 immediately.”

Off the record, numerous neighborhood crime watch group members expressed confidence that Alderman Cappleman would duke it out with these bird people. One said “Those birds belong in cages, not nature. Who do these people and birds think they are?”

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Cappleman corners homeless couple in Starbucks coffee shop to tell them he’s really a nice guy

Couple trying to warm up & find somewhere to shower

UPTOWN – This morning, John and Amanda O’Malley, names changed and images withheld for privacy, couldn’t believe what happened. While at the local Uptown Starbucks, Chicago’s 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman sat at their table and said he wanted to be sure they knew “he’s really a nice guy”, regardless of how activists have distorted his reputation.

Cappleman said to them “The Pigeons, the Salvation Army, Uptown Tent City evictions – all of that kind of stuff, is not my fault, I have an evidence based chart to prove it, I’m really a nice guy.”

Amanda said “Wow, it’s literally freezing outside, we are in a life emergency and this goofy alderman’s concerned with how we feel about him.”

John said “He’s got a powerful job, owns a home, decent clean clothes, a kitchen with a stove and refrigerator, a bathroom with his very own toilet and a shower. We have none of that. The best place we’ve been in all day is this coffee shop. We are trying to warm up and charge our phones; we spend half our days just trying to find somewhere to shower…”

Amanda continued “We asked him if we could shower at his condo, he didn’t answer. He did offer to have pictures taken with us and thought he could use some extra homeless people in his next homelessness video. No pay but we would get free exposure.”

“We said no way, leave us alone, we got too much exposure as it stands now. He didn’t even offer a coffee or a lousy donut. What a flake.”

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Cappleman announces Sidewalk First Housing Plan

Lisa Morrison Butler, Dept of Family and Support Services (DFSS) Commissioner to head Pilot Program

UPTOWN – In a Snapchat video released late this evening, Chicago’s 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman announced the Sidewalk First Housing Plan (SFHP).

In what seemed like slurred speech, Cappleman remarked “It’s innovative and exciting times for those homeless people now.” Holding up a chart, he noted “The 46th Ward has more sidewalks than the other wards in Chicago, it’s a very natural fit (MSTOW).”

The alderman was already thinking ahead and said “If this promotion is successful, we could have another heavily marketed pilot program next year, the Loading Dock First Housing Plan (LDFHP).”

He promised his office would release a full block club meeting schedule and that if we are lucky, Lisa Morrison Butler will give a speech with even more charts at one of the meetings.

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Cappleman, husband & Democratic Party employee Lauren Peters embrace at pre-prison party

Hush Hush Private Party at Uptown Underground

UPTOWN – Lauren Peters, her resume thick with political employee titles, reports this month for a 1 year prison sentence. In July 2017, she was arrested and later convicted for her bizarre attack on a local radio personality.

How the mighty fall: Campaign Manager, Political Director, Deputy Field Director, and Deputy Director are among the titles listed on her Linkedin. Principally known in Uptown as Cappleman’s former Chief of Staff, and Rahm Emanuel’s super PAC Chicago Forward Deputy Director, Peters works now(?) for Illinois Comptroller Susana Mendoza.

It is anticipated she will serve less than 6 months and be out in time for this November’s General Election and next February’s Municipal Election. Phew!

Speaking at the podium, wobbling slightly with his Pinot Grigio and nary a tear, Alderman Cappleman addressed the somber crowd and said “Thank you, Lauren Peters for taking one for the team. Without employees like you, where would us politicians be? You’re a real Democrat!”

Thanks!

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