Alderman Cappleman’s Office Confirms PSA Sequel “Black People Need to Talk to a Black Alderman 2”

Sequel to Cappleman’s Enormously Successful Public Service Announcement could be out in 2019

UPTOWN – An anonymous 46th Ward Alderman’s office staff member unauthorized to comment told the Uptown Pigeon, a sequel to ‘Black People Need to Talk to a Black Alderman‘ is in the planning stages now.

While many residents were extremely pleased with the news, some questioned the timing of the announcement.

Former Pigeon City resident, Pete Pigeon said “This looks like a distraction from the alcoholics managing the opposition to alcohol sales controversy to me.”

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‘Lost’ Audit Reveals All Taxes & Fees for Homeless Spent on DFSS Trucks, Office Furniture & Bonuses

Cappleman says this is the first step in Housing First

CHICAGO – In another late Friday press release Joseph M. Ferguson, Inspector General announced that all 2016-2017 funds, millions of dollars, collected from sources like real estate developer fees and Airbnb taxes for housing the homeless were spent on DFSS vehicles, furniture and bonuses.

Asked for details the Inspector General’s office replied in email “Exactly how much was spent on what remains undetermined. We are still waiting for Lisa Morrison Butler’s and Rahm Emanuel’s offices to return our calls. You know as much as we do.”

Neither Department of Family & Support Services (DFSS) Commissioner Lisa Morrison Butler’s office nor Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s office returned Uptown Pigeon’s calls to confirm.

Off the record, an anonymous DFSS employee unauthorized to comment said “Those trucks are specially engineered to serve the homeless and a fair value for what you get. The furniture is very nice; it’s made to last a very long time. As for the bonuses, it’s not just the homeless that have mortgages, city employees have mortgages too. We work very hard dumping the homeless at Pacific Garden Mission.”

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Mayor Emanuel announces All-Black Police SUV Pilot Program a success; moves to update entire fleet

City Hall hails important milestone in implementing Chicago’s third world alternative policing strategy

CHICAGO – In an after hours Friday night press release, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced 100% success of the previously unannounced All-Black Police SUV Pilot Program (ABPSUVPP). Going forward all Chicago Police Department SUVs would be all-black with no other distracting authoritative lettering or images.

Reached by phone to confirm, an unidentified person answering the phone at the Mayor’s Press Office hinted that all-black open cockpit Jeeps with roll cages that CPD sharpshooters could hang from in neighborhood drive-throughs could be next pilot program.

They said “It’s a strong win for diversity and also part of Federal mandates for a softer non-military presence in the outlying territories, I mean neighborhoods.”

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Micro apartment renter plans to vote for Cappleman because donuts are much better & steadily improving

Uptown Chicago was just too city-ish before Alderman Cappleman, more like home now

UPTOWN – Wayne Worthmore is looking forward to municipal elections in February 2019. Wayne, who originally moved to Lakeview from Kansas in 2010, and works in the human resources department of a downtown corporation says “I didn’t move to the big city to eat honey buns. I pay enough rent that I should have access to world-class donuts, it’s that simple.”

Wayne moved to Uptown in 2016 and his new 235 square foot apartment is over $1000/month. Wayne continued “Before Cappleman became alderman there were still food shops where people didn’t even speak English, can you imagine that? Cappleman is doing a great job getting rid of all the foreigners and crazy people. He gets my vote.”

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1st Celebrity Positive Loitering at Wilson/Broadway featuring George Zimmerman and Jason Van Dyke

Cappleman introduces Innovative Positive Loitering Events with Neighborhood Watch & Police Celebrities

UPTOWN – Hailed by Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Chicago Police Department 19th District Commander Marc Buslik as truly a game-changing move by 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman, in a press release today, the Alderman’s office announced the 1st Celebrity Positive Loitering event.

It is scheduled for Friday, May 4th with the extended hours of 6pm-9pm.

The Alderman said “I’m really proud of myself this time. After my husband Richard invited the fired Starbucks Manager to join our Neighborhood Crime Watch, I thought, he’s onto something. This could be HUGE!”

The press release said throughout the spring and summer, Celebrity Positive Loitering Events would be held once a month.

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Alderman’s Husband invites fired Starbucks Manager to join 46th Ward Neighborhood Crime Watch

BREAKING: Eye for 911 calls that shouldn’t go to waste

UPTOWN – Reached by phone, Alderman Cappleman’s husband Richard Thale confirmed he has invited the fired Philadelphia Starbucks Manager to join the 46th Ward Neighborhood Crime Watch Group.

The CAPS beat facilitator and chair of the 19th Police District’s Court Advocacy Committee said “This is what the Alderman and I do every day. We advise people to call 911 when they see suspicious looking people. You can’t be too careful.”

Thale continued “This Starbucks Manager did what it takes. Look at those people arrested, they definitely looked suspicious. We could only be so lucky to have the Starbucks down the street be so ready to fight those people the way this hero manager did.”

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Alderman sets in motion Passive-Aggressive Opposition to Alcohol Sales Competition for Larry’s on Lawrence

One of Cappleman’s favorite bars, as well as a campaign donor also located in another campaign donor’s building. Yelp – “It’s more of a nook off the lobby of an apartment building then an actual bar, the seating is in the lobby. It has an artificial hipster vibe, the way Potbelly’s has an artificial folksy vibe.”

4700 North Kenmore Pigeons report overhearing Block Club Manipulation Plan to scuttle new business

UPTOWN – On the heels of rumors of a new package liquor store moving in next door to Larry’s at the corner of Lawrence and Sheridan comes this explosive news.

Former Pigeon City resident, Pete Pigeon reports “I heard it myself. Cappleman and his husband were laughing about how easy it is to manipulate the block clubs with fear and dog-whistle racism.”

Pete continued “My flock and I nearly fell off our ledge. Cappleman said “All we have to do is indirectly plant the thought that black people will be buying alcohol at that new store and the block clubs will do everything else.” Cappleman and his husband were laughing uncontrollably for probably 20 minutes.”

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Cappleman proudly announces Fake Police Listening Tour: Uptown residents invited to be heard & ignored

Alderman Cappleman chart shows public faith in Chicago Police Department at all time high and still growing!

CHICAGO — A community roundtable will be held Tuesday, April 17 in Uptown to discuss police reform in Chicago, Ald. James Cappleman announced. Last year, the Illinois Attorney General’s Office sued the city to seek a court order to reform the Chicago Police Department. The Attorney General’s Office is now negotiating a plan to change CPD policies and training.

The office is partnering with community organizations to hold Consent Decree Community Roundtables to give residents a say in the process, the alderman said.

The Uptown discussion will be held April 17 at 6 p.m. at Alternatives, Inc, 4730 N. Sheridan Road.

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Cappleman forms anonymous 46th Ward Crime and Vagrancy Eradication Committee, deputizes members

A 21st century Eliot Ness or thug in a blazer?

“Those Shorties and Panhandlers will be trembling in their Air Jordans now” says Alderman Cappleman

UPTOWN – Cappleman announced “We all know that calling 911 or positive loitering on those people doesn’t always work. It’s time to put some real bite in the gap between the Chicago Police Dept and my Neighborhood Watch Group.”

Pressed for details, he said “This is an undercover committee, but the good news is property owners will be able to reach the committee, also anonymously at the newly established Uptown Update Hotline 773-944-0943. Donations to support the committee’s work can be made directly at Citizens for Cappleman

“I will name one name,” Cappleman continued “Mark Zipperer of RE/MAX on Broadway will be the lead Real Estate Industry representative on this committee, like he is on all my committees. It’s important.”

Asked about rumors that his husband Richard Thale would head up the newly formed committee, Cappleman said “I can’t say but I will say Richard is a master of anonymity, he is everywhere. No one hustles a sidewalk like my hubby does. None of my staff works everyblock.com like he does. He’s executive publisher of the Uptown Update, #1 CAPS beat facilitator and chair of the 19th Police District’s Court Advocacy Committee. He’s my number one cheerleader. Without Richard, I’d probably still be just a burned out social worker.”

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Cappleman needs your help to stay in tip-top Paper Shredding shape for next emergency

“You can never be too prepared for paper-shredding”

UPTOWN – Press release from taxpayer sponsored web site Uptown Update “Ald. Cappleman’s office will hold a paper shredding event on Friday, April 20th, between 2pm and 4pm in front of the ward office at 4544 North Broadway. Bring your sensitive (and not so sensitive) documents and see them turn into confetti.”

Reached for comment on the phone, chief of staff to Ald. James Cappleman, Tressa Feher said “Our ward office, really any pro-developer aldermanic office, needs to be prepared to do industrial level paper shredding. We need the public’s help.”

She continued “In addition to the scheduled paper shredding practice, there are also unscheduled paper shredding practice sessions. Raids, investigations, all types of paper shredding events are not always scheduled conveniently. The 46th Ward office needs to be able to shred at a moment’s notice. This is the level of professionalism the constituents in our ward demand, expect and vote for. We will not let them down.”

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