Univ of Chicago study proves Pigeons keep Urban Moron populations from growing out of control

Up to 65% of people from rural states become ill-adapted to city life and can be predicted by Pigeons

CHICAGO – Groundbreaking evidence-based research with super-computer analyzed data proves pigeons the most important factor in keeping typical domestic morons from over-population in Chicago.

Kansas ranked the highest at 65%, Texas came in 2nd at 57%, Iowa and Nebraska tied for 3rd at 52%. Generally states considered red/conservative ranked highest in pigeon aversion and ill-adaption to city life predictability.

Data showed early predictors for failure to adapt to city living successfully were irritability towards pigeons, harboring harmful thoughts towards pigeons and the most reliable of all harmful actions towards pigeons. Additionally other anti-city life traits that tended to manifest concurrently in pigeon haters were extremely vocal whining, power abuses, excessive blame of others for their own unhappiness and other anti-urban actions.

Urban Moron populations measurably growing since 1970’s but there is now hope with this study

The good news is this evidence conclusively shows that in sufficient numbers, healthy and well-fed urban pigeon populations keep moron populations from growing to human damage levels.

Thanks!
Stay tuned for updated news right here, at the Uptown Pigeon.

Be sure to join the Uptown Pigeon Facebook Group

BREAKING UPDATE: Uptown Pigeon receives written threat – “I’m going to kill every pigeon I see today”

Secret Facebook Neighborhood Watch Group member Redacted Name continues threats to pigeons

UPTOWN – OMG, poisoning pigeons, pets and children isn’t enough for this dangerous person, he’s now threatening to go on a personal pigeon killing rampage… This guy is clearly unstable.

In another comment on our website, he had the nerve to call pigeons “vermin”.

Redacted Name
That is not a secret hate group. It is a group trying to ensure sanitation and safety standards in Uptown. Any comments about poisoning birds were clearly hyperbolic and satirical. Pigeons are filthy vermin and need to be dealt with by the city more effectively.

Pigeons are not vermin, and BTW has anyone ever seen a hate group that understands or admits it is a hate group? I haven’t. If it is not a hate group, then open the group up to the public, instead of operating in anonymity and secrecy like darkness usually does, let the public decide. And kabosh this dangerous animal hater.

Reminder due to the seriousness of this news, we are urging the public to be careful of these dangerous extremists.

Thanks!
Stay tuned for updated news right here, at the Uptown Pigeon.

Be sure to join the Uptown Pigeon Facebook Group

BREAKING: Secret Facebook Neighborhood Watch Group member threatening mass pigeon murder

Victim of previously reported Great Net Massacre where thousands of pigeons lost their lives

WARNING: Uptown residents and their young children could be harmed by these neighborhood watch group terrorists

UPTOWN – Cappleman’s war on pigeons is growing even more dangerous.

Latest reports are indicating that not only have pigeons been threatened with extermination, but Uptown residents and their young children could be harmed by these neighborhood watch group terrorists. Allegedly, neighborhood watch group member Redacted Name, and possibly others have threatened to poison Uptown Chicago bird seed as this secret hate group communication suggests.

Redacted Name
Hmmm, maybe time to douse the birdseed in antifreeze

Sadly, we must remind you that evidence shows that most mass murderers start out with horrific acts to animals.

Due to the seriousness of this news, we are urging the public to be careful of these dangerous extremists.

Thanks!
Stay tuned for updated news right here, at the Uptown Pigeon.

Be sure to join the Uptown Pigeon Facebook Group