19th District Chicago Police Dept issues Community Alert about impostor Alderman Cappleman

Impostor Ald. Cappleman wanted for felony retail theft

UPTOWN – 5 times this month so far, an almost exact look-alike of Alderman Cappleman with his Visa card and City of Chicago Identification card has defrauded 19th District retailers for thousands of dollars.

Police warning: If you see him, do not attempt to engage or capture, he may be dangerous. At the very least, the impostor has been known to be very persuasive that he is the real Alderman Cappleman. Just call the Police.

An anonymous CPD Detective unauthorized to speak, said “Let this be a lesson to your readers, what kind of an idiot posts their ID’s on social media?”

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BREAKING: Alderman Cappleman relocating 46th Ward Aldermanic Office to Jefferson Park

Parking for developers, convenience to trains downtown and improved services for 46th Ward constituents

Jefferson Park pigeons alarmed

UPTOWN – An anonymous staffer broke the news to the Uptown Pigeon that as part of his post-Everyblock.com strategy, Alderman Cappleman has signed a lease in Jefferson Park for a new 46th Ward Aldermanic Office.

They said Cappleman got the idea from a recent Department of Human Services move from Uptown to a nearby location on the northwest side of Chicago and was amazed he didn’t think of it first.

Reached for confirmation, Cappleman said “Yes, it’s revolutionary I know, but this is the kind of future evidence-based pro-development thinking my constituents have come to know and expect from me. Much will remain the same, only better!”

Cappleman continued “My office will still have open hours on Mondays for constituents to come and listen to me.”

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Alderman Cappleman and his Chief of Staff still on high-class alcoholism tour at Larry’s on Lawrence

“Rich people have stronger genes” says Feher

UPTOWN – We knew it was gonna be good when we caught up with these two.

“It’s proof positive that old SRO’s can be reborn,” says Alderman Cappleman “beautiful people in a beautiful building, there is no downside to this.”

He continued “Poor people and their crummy hole in the wall bars are in the past in the 46th Ward. This is the new Uptown, expensive liquor, expensive rents, expensive eye candy… it doesn’t get better than this!”

‘Free Drinks for Politicians Night’ decisive factor says Chief of Staff Tressa Feher.

Cappleman interrupted “Larry’s, Provisions Uptown, Uptown Underground.. I could go on and on, it’s great! Tons of free drinks for politicians! In my next term, the 46th Ward will have more expensive booze than the other wards, it’s win-win.”

“Besides” he continued without pause “It’s not easy being the biggest anonymous *ssholes on Everyblock.com or coming up with creative ideas like photoshopping German army helmets on Amy Crawford graphics. We need liquid help, just ask my husband, he knows better than both of us!”

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