Ald. Cappleman of the 46th Ward is looking forward to next month’s Point-In-Time Homeless Miscount

“Miscounting the homeless is one of the most, if not the most important part of housing the homeless” says Cappleman

Alderman Cappleman says he has been practicing with the Chicago Department of Family and Support Services (DFSS), other City departments and private corporations all year to miscount the homeless and is confident 2019 will be their best miscount ever.

Cappleman said “We’ve learned a lot from past years Point-In-Time Homeless Miscounts; I think we have it down to a science now. The best part is designed properly, non-profits and individuals do all the work and are the best defenders of the accuracy of the count. I’m brilliant, right?”

Cappleman continued “There are very few things as special as making actual human beings disappear, without even killing them! Quickly at least… Everyone wins, I look good, the Mayor and the administration look good. We all get great campaign material. Even the non-profits and individuals doing all the work get feel-goods and social media bonuses. Everyone wins.”

Cappleman also said “If you are going to lose an election, go out on a high note. This could be my highest note ever.”

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Ald. Cappleman proud that major homelessness initiatives ordinance has little to no follow-up

66% of voters polled agree follow-up actions for election time announcements are absolutely unnecessary

UPTOWN – 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman announced today in a press release, “Voter polling and election results have shown time and time again, that voters do not want homelessness solved, they just want feel good announcements at election time about them.”

Republican-Democratic Committeeman Sean Tenner concurred, “Our newest poll, out today confirms it, voters just want to believe they and their horribly corrupt and dishonest legislators are good people and care.”

Tenner continued “Just one picture of Jan Schakowsky or J.B. Pritzker smiling is worth thousands of votes, actually housing homeless people means zero to the voters, but they do want us to talk about it a lot.”

Reached by phone for comment, Cappleman expanded “Homeless people are just another planted flower garden or milk shake at Sonic, substance means nothing, style is everything. The people have spoken.”

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‘Lost’ Audit Reveals All Taxes & Fees for Homeless Spent on DFSS Trucks, Office Furniture & Bonuses

Cappleman says this is the first step in Housing First

CHICAGO – In another late Friday press release Joseph M. Ferguson, Inspector General announced that all 2016-2017 funds, millions of dollars, collected from sources like real estate developer fees and Airbnb taxes for housing the homeless were spent on DFSS vehicles, furniture and bonuses.

Asked for details the Inspector General’s office replied in email “Exactly how much was spent on what remains undetermined. We are still waiting for Lisa Morrison Butler’s and Rahm Emanuel’s offices to return our calls. You know as much as we do.”

Neither Department of Family & Support Services (DFSS) Commissioner Lisa Morrison Butler’s office nor Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s office returned Uptown Pigeon’s calls to confirm.

Off the record, an anonymous DFSS employee unauthorized to comment said “Those trucks are specially engineered to serve the homeless and a fair value for what you get. The furniture is very nice; it’s made to last a very long time. As for the bonuses, it’s not just the homeless that have mortgages, city employees have mortgages too. We work very hard dumping the homeless at Pacific Garden Mission.”

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Alderman orders homeless men “Get out of my ward by sundown. Go to another ward on my chart.”

Cappleman also wishes they have a warm bed someday

UPTOWN – As long as it’s not in ‘his’ ward, wow… We are starting to see why his base thinks he’s a great guy though.

Warm wishes, thoughts and prayers… Yep, that’s who we want to administer multi-billion dollar budgets…

Oh wait a minute, is that Trump or Cappleman voters? Both apparently, sad…

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Cappleman corners homeless couple in Starbucks coffee shop to tell them he’s really a nice guy

Couple trying to warm up & find somewhere to shower

UPTOWN – This morning, John and Amanda O’Malley, names changed and images withheld for privacy, couldn’t believe what happened. While at the local Uptown Starbucks, Chicago’s 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman sat at their table and said he wanted to be sure they knew “he’s really a nice guy”, regardless of how activists have distorted his reputation.

Cappleman said to them “The Pigeons, the Salvation Army, Uptown Tent City evictions – all of that kind of stuff, is not my fault, I have an evidence based chart to prove it, I’m really a nice guy.”

Amanda said “Wow, it’s literally freezing outside, we are in a life emergency and this goofy alderman’s concerned with how we feel about him.”

John said “He’s got a powerful job, owns a home, decent clean clothes, a kitchen with a stove and refrigerator, a bathroom with his very own toilet and a shower. We have none of that. The best place we’ve been in all day is this coffee shop. We are trying to warm up and charge our phones; we spend half our days just trying to find somewhere to shower…”

Amanda continued “We asked him if we could shower at his condo, he didn’t answer. He did offer to have pictures taken with us and thought he could use some extra homeless people in his next homelessness video. No pay but we would get free exposure.”

“We said no way, leave us alone, we got too much exposure as it stands now. He didn’t even offer a coffee or a lousy donut. What a flake.”

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Cappleman announces Sidewalk First Housing Plan

Lisa Morrison Butler, Dept of Family and Support Services (DFSS) Commissioner to head Pilot Program

UPTOWN – In a Snapchat video released late this evening, Chicago’s 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman announced the Sidewalk First Housing Plan (SFHP).

In what seemed like slurred speech, Cappleman remarked “It’s innovative and exciting times for those homeless people now.” Holding up a chart, he noted “The 46th Ward has more sidewalks than the other wards in Chicago, it’s a very natural fit (MSTOW).”

The alderman was already thinking ahead and said “If this promotion is successful, we could have another heavily marketed pilot program next year, the Loading Dock First Housing Plan (LDFHP).”

He promised his office would release a full block club meeting schedule and that if we are lucky, Lisa Morrison Butler will give a speech with even more charts at one of the meetings.

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