Ald. Cappleman of the 46th Ward is looking forward to next month’s Point-In-Time Homeless Miscount

“Miscounting the homeless is one of the most, if not the most important part of housing the homeless” says Cappleman

Alderman Cappleman says he has been practicing with the Chicago Department of Family and Support Services (DFSS), other City departments and private corporations all year to miscount the homeless and is confident 2019 will be their best miscount ever.

Cappleman said “We’ve learned a lot from past years Point-In-Time Homeless Miscounts; I think we have it down to a science now. The best part is designed properly, non-profits and individuals do all the work and are the best defenders of the accuracy of the count. I’m brilliant, right?”

Cappleman continued “There are very few things as special as making actual human beings disappear, without even killing them! Quickly at least… Everyone wins, I look good, the Mayor and the administration look good. We all get great campaign material. Even the non-profits and individuals doing all the work get feel-goods and social media bonuses. Everyone wins.”

Cappleman also said “If you are going to lose an election, go out on a high note. This could be my highest note ever.”

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Ald. Cappleman proud that major homelessness initiatives ordinance has little to no follow-up

66% of voters polled agree follow-up actions for election time announcements are absolutely unnecessary

UPTOWN – 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman announced today in a press release, “Voter polling and election results have shown time and time again, that voters do not want homelessness solved, they just want feel good announcements at election time about them.”

Republican-Democratic Committeeman Sean Tenner concurred, “Our newest poll, out today confirms it, voters just want to believe they and their horribly corrupt and dishonest legislators are good people and care.”

Tenner continued “Just one picture of Jan Schakowsky or J.B. Pritzker smiling is worth thousands of votes, actually housing homeless people means zero to the voters, but they do want us to talk about it a lot.”

Reached by phone for comment, Cappleman expanded “Homeless people are just another planted flower garden or milk shake at Sonic, substance means nothing, style is everything. The people have spoken.”

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“Progressive energy” white male Cappleman appoints white male Committeeman for “Progressive direction”

Women allowed to hold 46th Ward sign with the men

UPTOWN – Official Cappleman real estate news website press release “This is a win-win for the 46th Ward and the Democratic Party”.

Cappleman also expressed gratitude for “moving our state back in a more progressive direction”.

Be patient women and people of color in 46th ward politics, maybe more equality next time?

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19th District Chicago Police Dept issues Community Alert about impostor Alderman Cappleman

Impostor Ald. Cappleman wanted for felony retail theft

UPTOWN – 5 times this month so far, an almost exact look-alike of Alderman Cappleman with his Visa card and City of Chicago Identification card has defrauded 19th District retailers for thousands of dollars.

Police warning: If you see him, do not attempt to engage or capture, he may be dangerous. At the very least, the impostor has been known to be very persuasive that he is the real Alderman Cappleman. Just call the Police.

An anonymous CPD Detective unauthorized to speak, said “Let this be a lesson to your readers, what kind of an idiot posts their ID’s on social media?”

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Alderman Cappleman releases chart showing 46th Ward burdened with 46th Ward Aldermanic Offices

Controversial 46th Ward Aldermanic Office Relocation to Jefferson Park Debate Heats Up

UPTOWN – Immediately following Uptown Pigeon’s publication of BREAKING: Alderman Cappleman relocating 46th Ward Aldermanic Office to Jefferson Park, Ald. Cappleman has released a chart showing the unfair burden the 46th Ward bears in 46th Ward Aldermanic Office locations.

In a press release Cappleman said “Everyone knows me, I’m all about the 46th Ward Alderman, but it’s time for the other wards in the City of Chicago to do their fair share. City-wide discrimination towards 46th Ward Aldermanic Offices has to stop.”

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BREAKING: Alderman Cappleman relocating 46th Ward Aldermanic Office to Jefferson Park

Parking for developers, convenience to trains downtown and improved services for 46th Ward constituents

Jefferson Park pigeons alarmed

UPTOWN – An anonymous staffer broke the news to the Uptown Pigeon that as part of his post-Everyblock.com strategy, Alderman Cappleman has signed a lease in Jefferson Park for a new 46th Ward Aldermanic Office.

They said Cappleman got the idea from a recent Department of Human Services move from Uptown to a nearby location on the northwest side of Chicago and was amazed he didn’t think of it first.

Reached for confirmation, Cappleman said “Yes, it’s revolutionary I know, but this is the kind of future evidence-based pro-development thinking my constituents have come to know and expect from me. Much will remain the same, only better!”

Cappleman continued “My office will still have open hours on Mondays for constituents to come and listen to me.”

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6 years ago May 17, 2012 Alderman Cappleman beats up senior citizen woman and has her falsely arrested

Animal Advocate Hero Young Kang told police Cappleman should have “better things to do.”
“You are the alderman; I voted for you,” she told the Alderman before he beat her up according to the police report “You should not be sweeping up breadcrumbs.”

War on Senior Citizens and Pigeons continues today

Uptown May 17, 2012 – 6 years ago this week, Chicago’s 46th Ward Alderman Cappleman reached a new low in human and avian history.

Little did people suspect then, that this isolated but horrible incident would turn into Uptown’s largest bird genocide and a mass exile of senior citizens from the 46th Ward, as well as a trend of false arrests.

Within the year Cappleman had thousands of innocent animals murdered for fun and began to have thousands of senior citizen appropriate housing units converted to expensive hipster housing.

Former Pigeon City resident, Pete Pigeon called for 5 minutes of silence at 9:00 AM this Saturday in commemoration of animal advocate Hero Young Kang.

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ONE Northside “holds our our elected officials accountable” by handing them a microphone!

Uptown Pigeon apologizes, this is real news, not satire

UPTOWN – Sunday May 6, 2018 This image is Alderman Cappleman looking out from the stage at the audience while speaking at ONE Northside’s Community Convention.

Apparently ONE Northside likes real estate corruption and people becoming homeless as much as Alderman Cappleman does, ahem…

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